Every once in a while I need a good, swift kick in the pants for giving evangelicalism the benefit of the doubt. Granted there are exceptions to every rule, but come ON! Call me obtuse, but no sooner do I get all mushy and nostalgic about church and think that I’ve got my ire under control when I’m reminded of how truly evil and virulently misogynist fundamentalist evangelical churches really are. I mean, who ARE these women who listen to these men? Who are they who allow their husbands to rule their lives from birth to death? It’s sickening to me. And I understand the dynamics of abuse, believe me, but there comes a time in every woman’s life when it’s either you and your sanity, your children’s safety or your husband’s anger. For women today, defiance gets us killed, beaten, or raped more often than not, so there’s no easy solution. But this ownership attitude that some men have is born precisely here; in fundamentalist evangelical churches like these.
Thank Godde for men who value and respect women, not as walking uteruses or glorified babysitters of their offspring, but as full-fledged human beings with minds and hearts of their own.
Sometimes I wish there was a way to getmy sister to read some of the blogs I see (like yours) without her husband knowing. I want so badly for her to break free.
Marge,
I know what you mean. It’s so very hard to break into that dynamic and get someone to wake up and truly SEE what’s going on. You could email a single article or something if she’s on the web. Other than that it’s painful to watch women do that to themselves, especially those close to us.
From the article: “If I can be so bold, it is Satan’s new ploy to get into the church,” he commented.
Umm, wouldn’t that be an “old” ploy…the garden for instance? Eve?
Nothing new here really.
Everyday I ask myself, why do the women stay? Why did I stay for so long?
Zoe,
Why indeed? I wonder, and I’m speaking for myself mostly, if it isn’t a self-esteem (I mean deep self-loathing) issue wherein we think that this is the only way we will be truly accepted for ourselves. Look how much they must love me if they go to such lengths to keep me and guard me from harm.
Everyone is looking for love and the church promises that in spades. It says “God loves you unconditionally” but places conditions on it. The husband says, “But I love you more than life itself” when he’s really saying, I love how you worship me. And it’s really all about control and power and the need to own. Uggghh.
It’s so deep for me. See, my husband wasn’t like that and I could kick myself for ever trying to be one of those women and trying to get my husband to be one of those men. Pardon me while I kick myself.
Thankfully, hub never fell for it…but I think my need for it arose out of my foundational years, growing up.
It’s very difficult to describe how this makes me feel. Maybe I’m wasting everyone else’s time by trying.
Rather than giving myself the easy luxury of feeling superior to someone, I have to assume that, as a male, I might be capable of this, although it terrifies me to imagine it. I know we’re dealing with individuals here, and I shouldn’t set myself up as someone capable of feeling the shame of an entire gender, but I know how vulnerable human beings are to believing what they want to hear. I guess I should thank whatever there is to thank that I don’t seem to have acquired this particular vulnerability.
It seems so transparently obvious to sit here and say that anyone who thinks that imposing his will on someone else by physical or mental force is ever justified, needs therapy. To use the will of God as a justification is a pretty desperate throw. My main problem with fundamentalists in general is that they need god to be as small minded and vengeful as they are. For me, I can’t begin to imagine what a super intelligence might “think”, so I’ve stopped worrying about it.
I really have to fight hard to suppress my pointless anger at these abusive bastards. It’s probably a better use of energy for me to wish that those who are trapped may find the strength to escape.
Sorry that’s so confused, but it’s very upsetting. You might reply:
“What would you know about “upsetting”? Nobody’s hitting you”.
To that I would have no possible defence.
Zoe,
Don’t kick yourself at all. I too tried to force the hubby to conform to the mold the church told us he should conform to. Thank goddess he didn’t fall for it either!
Reg,
You wrote, “My main problem with fundamentalists in general is that they need god to be as small minded and vengeful as they are.”
You know that’s it in a nutshell really. And please don’t apologize! The men who are angered by it are at least trying to understand it and condemn it. The one’s who should be abhorred by it aren’t, i.e. the one’s attending that church in Denton, Texas. (I’m sorry, but what IS it about Texas?) The lack of concern for another human being is the problem.
The fact that you are concerned exempts you from the blame. I know that some women are just as abusive as men, so it’s not just a male problem. It’s an attitudinal problem; one that sees others as pawns for their own schemes and whims. That’s the true heart of evil; using others for our own ends without regard to the harm it does.
Thank you. We’re used to reading and hearing disembodied reports of abusive partners, and those who get locked into the role of victim, but to have people on here who have actually undergone that horror made it all the more affecting.
I’ve been hit only once each by two women, both of whom were in a fairly extreme rage at the time. What a regime of daily violence might be like is inconceivable.
Relationships based on power are simply bad relationships. To use what is supposed to be absolute unconditional love and goodness to justify the exercise of such power must be the ultimate blasphemy against both love and goodness.
Finally, I simply don’t understand the mechanism whereby potential abusers and victims seem to be attracted to one another.
Reg,
Hear, Hear! about the love and unconditional part.
Speaking from experience, the “need” is almost a wish fulfillment of “I deserve it” or “this is as good as I’ll get” kind of mentality. It’s also cyclical. If you’re told your worthless all your life and no one will love you, well you just might start believing it and attract those that reinforce this idea. Some of the men I’ve dated knew EXACTLY what I wanted them to say and became exactly what I expected them to be. It was uncanny. Exploitation I think is the key here.