I almost went to the Baptist church I tried to resign from today. Almost. We invited my deacon friend and his wife over to dinner last night and had a good time talking and practicing for our town’s trivia night next Saturday. Discussion eventually turned to church and the problems with the pastor there. (see my earlier post) Something the deacon’s wife said on her way out the door after a full evening got me thinking. After we were saying goodbyes and I said I’d see them tomorrow, she was surprised because I’d voiced my opinion about how I didn’t like the pastor and didn’t want to come to church since she’s there. She said in jest, “Well, you’re not going to be causing any trouble are you?” Now if you knew her, you wouldn’t think that she meant anything mean by her offhand remark, she’s just not that way. But even the hint of my being the troublemaker in all this kind of steamed me a little. I mean, even they were saying how they don’t like her methods and how she twists their words around to make them look bad. Maybe I’m being overly sensitive, but I get tired of always being the bad guy because I say what I think rather than be false.
Anyway, since we woke up on Sunday this morning, like a trained monkey, I felt the pull toward the two houses of worship I usually frequent, one of which exhibits very little worship and much fellowship and the other very little fellowship and much worship. Since I couldn’t decide between the two, I decided to do neither and stay home. Besides it’s too cold to go outside and I’m enjoying my romp around cyberspace. I’m also very, very tired of thinking about religion; and irreligion for that matter. Theists have valid arguments for God from experience. Atheists have valid intellectual arguments against God. Both convince me and both irritate the hell out of me with their aggressive and contrary ways. Both are equally unreasonable in style and approach. Both are also completely dichotomous and refuse to admit the value of the other. Neither would even exist without the other. They feed off each other symbiotically. As for me, why should I expend so much energy on something with so little reward? Because I like giving money to pastors who don’t deserve it? No. Do I like supporting institutions that use and abuse children because of a prurient need to hang on to medieval ethics? No.
Therefore, once again I’m trying to get back on the middle road. Or perhaps I’ll not take the road at all. I don’t like having the road chosen for me. It’s my life after all. Therefore, I think that for Lent this year, I’m going to give up religion and it’s favorite bedmate, atheism. Both are my besetting sins, therefore, both must go. I can’t say as I’ll be sorry to see them go. No doubt, I will have a lover’s quarrel with each and many reconciliations and regrets, but you have to start somewhere. It won’t be easy cause I work in a church. It’s like giving up porn while still working in a porn shop. But, I’m going to try. Wish me luck.
02/19/07 p.s. Ok, as some of my friends have wisely reminded me, I can no more give up religion than a duck can give up water. Let’s just say, I’m giving up institutional religion and will begin working on my spirituality.
Mystery of Iniquity 
That is interesting. I watched a video today where a guy talked about people going to church and going to church with so much zeal but the moment they’re out of church they’re just like everybody else and that doesn’t do much for the world. I was thinking about how the Bible says God gives us a way out of every difficult situation and there is no difficulty he puts before us which we wont be strong enough to handle in Him. I was thinking about how people like me don’t have access to ‘church’ but he gives us alternate ways of worship and fellowship. And for people like you who can’t stand the hypocrisy of the ‘church’ (which I’ve heard about a lot from lots of people shockingly) also God gives equal access to worship and fellowship and growth in Him… right? I’ve stopped stressing about what goes on outside my world cos I’m not put there to change it. In my world, whatever is given to me is given so I can do my bit being a light for Christ. If it works, cool. If not, God is still the one in charge.
Everything goes. 🙂 Don’t let things get to you. The whole world is not your responsibility, and you’re called to live in Christ in peace.
Love,
Diana/R-E-D
Hey, good to see you again R-E-D! I like your down-to-earth wisdom when it comes to simply living Christianity. I do take things waaaayyyy to seriously. I do have to lighten up and stop thinking that EVERYTHING I do makes a big difference somehow. Thanks for the words of comfort! 🙂