Did I really write this? I wrote it not so very long ago, yet it seems an eternity. Who is this woman? What were her thoughts, feelings, fears? How could she have written something so beautiful and be so bitter now? Where did the sweet spirit go that I sense here? Was it all a charade? Who is real? Which one is the “glittering image” designed to awe and which one is the true self designed to inspire?
Where did this obvious longing for God go? A. W. Tozer, in The Pursuit of God, wrote:
I want deliberately to encourage this mighty longing after God. The lack of it has brought us to our present low estate. The stiff and wooden quality about our religious lives is a result of our lack of holy desire. Complacency is a deadly foe of all spiritual growth. Acute desire must be present or there will be no manifestation of Christ to His people. He waits to be wanted. Too bad that with many of us He waits so long, so very long, in vain…
Every age has its own characteristics. Right now we are in an age of religious complexity. The simplicity which is in Christ is rarely found among us. In its stead are programs, methods, organizations and a world of nervous activities which occupy time and attention but can never satisfy the longing of the heart. The shallowness of our inner experience, the hollowness of our worship, and the servile imitation of the world which marks our promotional methods all testify that we, in this day, know God only imperfectly, and the peace of God scarcely at all.
If we would find God amid all the religious externals we must first determine to find Him, and then proceed in the way of simplicity. Now as always God discovers Himself to `babes’ and hides Himself in thick darkness from the wise and the prudent. We must simplify our approach to Him. We must strip down to essentials (and they will be found to be blessedly few). We must put away all effort to impress, and come with the guileless candor of childhood. If we do this, without doubt God will quickly respond.
“We must first determine to find Him…” My way has not been simple, but more complicated. I have not come to God at all, but visibly pushed Him at arm’s length. I am pulled between two logical places: my head vs. my heart. My head is evidenced in my latest post. What an insufferable bore I sound in this post. I am all for good principles: alleviating suffering for the vulnerable, but I come at it with a ferocious atheistic determinism. I must believe myself a good person, dammit! However, my heart is evidenced from the post I mention at the beginning of this one.
How can two mutually exclusive modes be coexistent in one person? Am I insane? Isn’t that the definition of insanity? Entertaining two contradictory thoughts at the same time as if they were both true? Someone told me recently that I would benefit from some counseling. I’m beginning to believe they are right, but who can afford it? I suppose I must continue to use my blog as my Freudian couch until the funds roll in. Until then, my head says it’s all bullshit, but my heart says,
We need not fear that in seeking God only we may narrow our lives or restrict the motions of our expanding hearts. The opposite is true. We can well afford to make God our All, to concentrate, to sacrifice the many for the One (Tozer).