Ye Olde God-o-Meter

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It’s been a while since I revealed ye olde God-o-Meter. As of this evening the meter reads about a 2. I’ve been vacillating between belief and unbelief in the weirdest moods swings lately. At the risk of incurring the wrath of feminists for being a biological essentialist, I have to admit that now that my uterus is gone the mood swings have definitely calmed down considerably! I’m sorry, but everyone, men included, are creatures of their hormones. For me personally, I could follow my swings toward and away from religion by charting the cycle of the moon. The ebb and flow of faith was almost like clockwork. So now, my moods have diminished, but they are still there. I crave religion like a drug, imbibe a few times, and I am then satiated, temporarily. Then I watch documentaries such as Deliver Us From Evil or I read the latest issue of my Freedom From Religion subscription to Freethought Today and I am furious all over again at the dichotomy between what people say about faith and how they act. The pages and pages of pastors convicted of various crimes is enough on its own to turn anyone away from Christianity. I mean, really, what do Christians expect people to do? Should we just ignore hypocrite after hypocrite? Sure, say all you want that it’s the individual not the religion that is to blame for all that is done in the name of religion, but what is religion without the individuals who profess it? Theory only, really.

I’m pretty sure I’m done with Protestantism for good. Why? Because I have been making half-assed attempts at attending church again, going to choir, seeing some old friends. But, I kid you not, I walked into Sunday school and they were STILL bemoaning the state of the world because of kids today. They were still blaming, blaming, blaming. I couldn’t stand it. Sheesh! Then during the sermon the pastor did a curious thing. She once again told a story that I’d heard her tell before. She told us of a friend of hers who was sitting in church one day and had a sudden realization that she believed none of it anymore. She got up and walked out and never returned. Her point was that we should all never get to that point. Honestly, this is about the 3rd time I’ve heard her tell this story and finally it all sunk in. The Monday after that sermon, I got the choir book and the Sunday school book together and wrote this note: “I don’t know why I even try to think I can come back. I think your atheist friend had the only truly honest response. The best thing to do is delete me from the rolls once and for all.” And then I signed it, drove by the church, and plopped it all in the mailbox. Wow, what a weight off my shoulders! I think I’ve burned that last bridge. They are all scratching their heads, I’m sure, but I’m tired of wasting time thinking about it all.

Hopefully, the mood swings will continue to diminish and even out. I can tell they are already. I spend less and less time obsessing, less and less time worrying about what others say or think, and less and less time feeling “fuzzy.” I stopped taking Lipitor after my yearly exam after the doctors gave me a thumbs up for heart health. Since eliminating that drug, my thinking has cleared considerably. I got to stop taking blood thinners as well and that’s made all the difference. We are all at the mercy of our bodies and our brain processes. That is what’s real in the end. Spirituality cannot touch the material in this context. Physicality is what we have and is all that we have. Taking care of my physical well being should be and will be my primary focus from now on.

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