Falling All Over Myself For Paper

Ok, yesterday, I took a nasty spill in the copy room. I was getting a bulletin ready for a huge funeral at the workplace yesterday. We have a whole closet for paper and other supplies next to the copier down in a basement room. I was in there rummaging around, grabbed a ream and a half of good paper and did what the pastor later called the “secretarial pivot.” I whirled around and promptly tripped over a box of unpacked, freshly delivered paper right outside the paper room door. Now I knew it was there, but paid no heed. Well, I started going down (needless to say the paper I was holding got to the copier before I did). I landed all 5000 lbs. of me on my left kneecap and tried to break my fall with my left arm. But I mean I slammed down hard on the cold, concrete floor. My kneecap stung like a *$&#*# for a few minutes so I lay there cursing all things paper. After that subsided, I rounded up the scattered remnants of the ream and ran the bulletin on the copier, cursing and muttering to myself the whole time. Boy, I thought, I’m going to really pay for this tomorrow! This was at 8:15 a.m. I spent the rest of yesterday limping around the office, popping Aleve like candy. Hey, my liver will go, but my body will feel GRRREEEAAATT!

So, I took it easy last night. I didn’t put ice on my knee or anything because it didn’t really swell up. When I hit the ground, I also didn’t get that nauseous clammy feeling you get when you know you’ve done something REALLY bad to yourself. However, this morning, I’m not as stiff and sore as I thought I would be, although I do hurt on my entire left side. The left side is my “bad side” too (the one that was affected by the ruptured disk 3 years ago). I was worried there for a second. So, I’m glad to report no serious damage. I think I’m blessed with hard teeth, hard kneecaps, and hard fingernails, because nothing seems to damage these things. Weird. Either that or it’s all the milk I’ve been drinking all my life. OR it could be all the practice! I fall down and bump into things A LOT! I fell a couple times in Hungary while on my trip and I’ve sprained my ankles numerous times when I was in high school. Giant clogs in the 70s didn’t help with that! I’m just clumsy; a bull in a china shop. Anyway, as I hobble out the door this morning, I will leave you with this wise and useful thought:

The Shoveller: Watch it, Spleen, you’re going to kill someone with that thing!
Dr. Heller: Oh, no, no, no. All these weapons are completely non-lethal.
The Bowler: Wow. How wonderfully eccentric while simultaneously being a complete waste of our time. Good day, sir. I say good day.

(Mystery Men)

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