Love and Freedom vs. Fear and Possessiveness

The Naked Soul has a most excellent post about love and possessiveness that is a very old “new” lesson, but one that needs to be learned over and over again, especially in today’s world where people feel they have a right to just about everything. I find it sad that the most possessive of people may use coercive forms which may include violence to keep from losing what they fear.  However, this fear is not love, but a desperate need to fill some void in our lives or to keep somehow what we think the other brings to us; something that perhaps we wish we had but that we don’t find in ourselves. Tobeme writes:

This attachment that we form feels like love, however it is not love in the purest sense. The other person becomes a possession, a possession which we begin to fear losing. In our fear of possible loss we become insecure about our relationship. When we become insecure our thoughts and behavior change and often as reaction to our fear of loss we begin to tighten our grip and seek more control over the other person. We become suspicious of the behavior of the other person, we worry about them straying when we are not around, we may even sabotage other relationships that they have with long time friends and even family in the name of “love” which really is in the name of attachment and our fear of loss.

Who hasn’t felt this at one time or another? I think as we grow older and hopefully wiser, we can learn to express our feelings for others in ways that give the utmost freedom to them and to ourselves.  The rest of the post is well worth reading and re-reading.


6 thoughts on “Love and Freedom vs. Fear and Possessiveness

  1. I am glad that you found value in my writing today. As you said this is an old lesson, as old as the ego which lives in fear and sabotages relationships.

  2. tobeme,

    It is. And I am surprised always by how many times we need to hear it because we never learn it. Thanks for giving us the lesson again. You’re post was spot on.

  3. Part of the problem is lack of communication, taking each other for granted, and as a result feeling insecure in our relationships.
    When the lines of communication remain open, we know where we stand. We “know” our partner.
    Once communication dwindles as a result of taking each other for granted, and not feeling we have to find time to talk, we become suspicious of our spouse.
    As a result we become possessive.

    • Pastfirst,

      I agree about that. Sometimes, communication ceases before we are even aware of it and has gone on so long that we can’t seem to find our way back. However, can’t possessiveness occur even when the lines of communication are open? Hmmm. Maybe not. Good point about that. Thanks for commenting!

  4. There are few worse feelings than being in the grip of something against your better judgment. Still worse if you’ve always promised yourself you wouldn’t get like that, and if it runs counter to everything the sane part of you actually believes.

    However I do believe that anything can get fixed in a good enough cause. If we set any store at all by the power of human beings to make choices in any real sense, than this has to be true.

    In the original post that caught MOI’s attention, Tobeme gives an analogy of someone holding an egg in the palm of the hand, and tightening the grip until crushing the egg, whether through fear of loss, or wish to control. For myself, I can understand fear of loss more easily than I can understand the wish to control, but the end result could be the same.

    In a comment on this post, someone suggests that there’s nothing wrong with wishing to have protective feelings towards the egg, but the trick is to hold it in the palm with breathing space around it.

    If our fear of loss is not justified, we are simply creating negative energy for no reason, and we need to get over it. If our fear turns out to be justified, there’s nothing we can do about it anyway, so we should enjoy what we have while we have it.

    Love can get lost in worrying about whether we have it or not. What a criminal waste!


    • Reg,

      You wrote: “Love can get lost in worrying about whether we have it or not.”

      It’s amazing how many places we can apply this lesson. Not just in love but replace the word “love” with “faith” and you get the same sort of missing the forest for the trees metaphor in religion. Or how about action can get lost if we worry about whether we are of the right political party or not? What a great response to tobeme’s great post! Thank you for that.

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