Water Under the Bridge

cropped-annex-clift-montgomery-a-place-in-the-sun_01.jpgIt’s been a long time since I posted here. I was starting a new life and feeling excited about a new marriage and living in another country way back in 2011. Now my life is far from what I imagined it to be. I am living in that new country, but my exciting new life has fallen from the perfect marriage to the same old song.

I gave my all to someone who has, in turn, begun to give their all to someone else. Karma is indeed a bitch. What you do to others in this life will indeed come back to you a hundred-fold.  I see that now and have experienced it.

All I’ve ever wanted in life was for someone to care for me, to love me, and provide comfort when I was down. I was more than willing to give that in return, but it always seemed so one-sided. I’ve lived my entire life without comfort. My mother could not give it because she was so wrapped up in her own pain that she had nothing left to give. My father had disappeared when I was 2 or 3 so there was no comfort from that quarter. My step-father provided only pain, not comfort to my sister, my mother, and me. My sister was in her own world, so we had no one not even each other. We each lived separately in our own house of pain.

I then married a man who provided for us and our children, yet did not know how to love or comfort either. He was depressed over lack of work much of the time and did what his father did. Retreat into himself. I spent 30 years with someone who did not know me, nor care to know me, let alone comfort me. But it was safe and it was easy. And I taught my kids to be individuals so that they don’t even turn to me or their father when in pain. The cycle continues.

Then I met a man I gave my whole heart to, because he cultivated it carefully and a bit selfishly online. He wished to be free of his spouse; or so I believe. I thought I was the only one he’d experienced this with. Despite my thinking I was smart, it turned out I was incredibly naive. I thought someone loved me, finally. I was just another in a succession of attempts to find excitement online. He seemed interested in me. He said all the right words. I fell for it. I needed love desperately. I wanted comfort.  I came into the new relationship willing to give everything that I had or I tried to anyway. I literally gave up my entire life in one place and moved to another with nothing left to my name. It wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. He wanted more and I wasn’t it. Soon there were others.

I mourn for the dream I had. But it was stupid because I was the only one dreaming it. Marriage should be about two people dreaming together.  I’ve seen some couples achieve that, but I’ve not experienced it. Perhaps at my age I never will.  It is so painful to see someone close computer windows as you come into the room so you won’t see who they are talking to. It’s like walking into the room at a gathering with a few people who immediately shut up when you come in. What were they saying? Was it about you or just something they don’t care for you to be in on? It is so painful to accidentally read the excitement in the greeting that someone else has emailed your husband. It is painful to watch your spouse wait until you are out of the room, asleep, or gone so they can continue their affair with someone else online.

I understand all that now because I’m in the exact same place my predecessor was when I was the recipient of those exciting emails and texts and Skype late at night. I remember the exciting sense of newness and feeling alive. I remember feeling a whole world opening up and someone liking what I wrote and writing exciting things back. I remember. I remember. I wish someone felt that for me now because I remember feeling it once.

I want comforting. I need an arm around me right now. I want love. But no one will ever love me like I want/need to be loved. It’s too late for me, but it might not be too late for you.