Right now I am sitting upstairs in our bedroom as my husband skype’s with his new girlfriend. I know this because he makes a show of listening to the radio on television, which is under our bedroom, but I can hear his tea-cup hit the desk next to his computer chair. Sure enough, I go downstairs and see that he’s skyping his girlfriend. I turn off the TV in the other room and come back upstairs without a word. He makes guilty noises like he does when caught but says nothing.
Here’s the thing. I’ve told him over and over that all he had to do was just stop lying and hiding and do it whenever he wants. At least that would be honest. In fact, I’ve half convinced myself that it’s the lying and secretiveness that angers me most. At first it was feeling like the discarded wife and the dying of a nice romantic dream, but after my initial anger and hurt feelings (and love?) died down, I realized that the betrayal is not who or with what, but with hiding it. This was the chief reason he and I told our respective spouses about our chatting after we’d met online and took up chatting. I even offered then to just chat and have a bit of online romance, because we didn’t want to break up marriages did we? OH he was soooo determined that we should tell our spouses about our ‘relationship’. We should be honest, he said. He was not willing to just chat and be married to others.
Now here we are 8 years later and he has accepted this woman telling him that she is in a “non-monogamous committed relationship”. An oxymoron you say? I would tend to agree. He thinks it’s a great idea though. Look, he says, she doesn’t want commitment! I said only if the two parties involved agreed from the BEGINNING! I remind him of his words to me all those years ago. But, in fact, he doesn’t even remember telling me that this sort of relationship would not do for us back then. See? Out of sight, out of mind. he is literally blind, but he is also psychically blind. And now that I’m here, where his ex-wife was and she is where I used to be, he’s accepting it all. This means that he was in a bad marriage when he met me and wanted out. It means that I’ve been the one to rescue him from a that bad marriage. I realize that it was probably his goal all along.
Except I’m not sure he’s that devious, knowingly anyway. He’s just that unaware and clueless about how other people feel or react to his actions. He honestly does not care to remember or reflect on anything that’s been past. If it served him then, great, but now he must have a new purpose; getting sexual jollies online. It’s all about now. Not even the future. He’s a man with no principles or integrity but lives in the moment and for the moment. How can I respect a man like that, who feels so little respect for me?