Surgery and Updates

cropped-nick-and-nora.jpgMy husband went in for bladder cancer surgery on Thursday and is now home recovering nicely. It all went as well as it could have and they said they got all of it without it having spread elsewhere. During it all, I think he gets reminded of his mortality and perhaps, just a tiny bit, he’s reminded about who’s important? I, too, have had a complete rethink.

We have actually achieved a truce, of sorts. I’ve had to scale back emotionally and he’s living with the idea that he does not have my full attention any longer. Perhaps that’s for the best.  This article is one I came across accidentally, but it does help me understand the ideas behind things and why we are all bent on romanticism and the idea of one person for each of us until death. I have always fallen for the full romantic picture that we are taught as young women; there is one special person, your soul mate, whom you will meet, fall in love, and marry and live happily ever after in perfect bliss. Yeah, not so much.

I think now that people live to a very advanced age and it’s virtually impossible to ask someone to love one single human being throughout your life. It is entirely possible to love more than one person romantically. I’m doing it now. I love my ex-husband and I love my current husband. I see no contradiction. The contradiction only occurs in people’s minds when it comes to sex. Jealousy only really occurs when we think of people having sex with other than us.

I certainly don’t believe anymore that people are monogamous. The majority of evidence that I see around me in the people I know and in the news confirms to me that men especially are incapable of fidelity.  Yes, women too, but it is not as accepted in women as it is in men. I am certain that if two people work at it, non-monogamy can work, however BOTH people have to start at the same place and not try to fit it in afterwards. My problem is that I didn’t sign up for it from the beginning. If I had, I could have dealt with it all better.  If I’d been honest with myself as well, I could have been self-aware enough to know that I am NOT one for fidelity myself. My current relationship proves it! And, just because I have no interest in outside relationships right now, it does not mean I won’t in the future.  I’ve made it clear that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander and the hubby accepts that.

The lesson learned here is to BE HONEST FROM THE BEGINNING. We all spend so much time hiding and lying to ourselves and to others about what we really want and then we try to force ourselves to live by a moral code that we did not create. Someone else said that this was our moral code and we accepted it. I told my husband, it’s not that he’s ACTUALLY seeing anybody else that’s the problem for me, it’s the lying about it that angers me more. The betrayal is making it seem that I’m not worth telling the truth to. True, I’ve made it difficult for him to be truthful by my outbursts, but I’ve learned, through scaling back emotionally, that my outbursts do not encourage honest dialogue. So there are learning curves all around.

Perhaps something can be salvaged after all. I feel better about it now that I give myself time to really think about it and the ramifications of certain choices. It’s not for everyone, but it might be for us.

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Non-Monogamous, but Committed, or something like it

Right now I am sitting upstairs in our bedroom as my husband skype’s with his new girlfriend. I know this because he makes a show of listening to the radio on television, which is under our bedroom, but I can hear his tea-cup hit the desk next to his computer chair. Sure enough, I go downstairs and see that he’s skyping his girlfriend. I turn off the TV in the other room and come back upstairs without a word. He makes guilty noises like he does when caught but says nothing.

Here’s the thing. I’ve told him over and over that all he had to do was just stop lying and hiding and do it whenever he wants.  At least that would be honest. In fact, I’ve half convinced myself that it’s the lying and secretiveness that angers me most. At first it was feeling like the discarded wife and the dying of a nice romantic dream, but after my initial anger and hurt feelings (and love?) died down, I realized that the betrayal is not who or with what, but with hiding it.  This was the chief reason he and I told our respective spouses about our chatting after we’d met online and took up chatting. I even offered then to just chat and have a bit of online romance, because we didn’t want to break up marriages did we? OH he was soooo determined that we should tell our spouses about our ‘relationship’. We should be honest, he said. He was not willing to just chat and be married to others.

Now here we are 8 years later and he has accepted this woman telling him that she is in a “non-monogamous committed relationship”. An oxymoron you say? I would tend to agree.  He thinks it’s a great idea though. Look, he says, she doesn’t want commitment! I said only if the two parties involved agreed from the BEGINNING! I remind him of his words to me all those years ago. But, in fact, he doesn’t even remember telling me that this sort of relationship would not do for us back then. See? Out of sight, out of mind.  he is literally blind, but he is also psychically blind. And now that I’m here, where his ex-wife was and she is where I used to be, he’s accepting it all. This means that he was in a bad marriage when he met me and wanted out. It means that I’ve been the one to rescue him from a that bad marriage. I realize that it was probably his goal all along.

Except I’m not sure he’s that devious, knowingly anyway. He’s just that unaware and clueless about how other people feel or react to his actions. He honestly does not care to remember or reflect on anything that’s been past. If it served him then, great, but now he must have a new purpose; getting sexual jollies online. It’s all about now. Not even the future. He’s a man with no principles or integrity but lives in the moment and for the moment.  How can I respect a man like that, who feels so little respect for me?