Dreaming the Chaos

Last night I dreamed I was in a circus. But it was a very bizarre circus. I came into a public place and confronted a man whom I know was an evil man who took people for all their money. He was sitting on the back of a chair counting it in envelopes. I grabbed an envelope and said, “I’ll take that thank you very much” and he looked at me in wonder. Inside the envelope were several wads of bills and $1000 bills. I explained that he could do whatever he liked, but he would regret it if he did and I was keeping this cash. I then called in my circus as back up. There were tiny elephants and people no bigger than knee high. There were wooden soldiers and a whole host of Cirque de Soleil type people that did strange things and acrobatic feats. There was a marching band that came in in very tight formation playing their music, but as they processed, they grew smaller and smaller until they were very tiny on the floor and huddled together as one entity. The whole implication, though, was that they could hurt you and would if I gave my say so. The room was duly subdued. I then switched to a dream where my boss was in a casual setting like a bar with a lot of other people and me. He was friendly and approachable and nothing like he is in real life.  Why we were all there and what we were doing I don’t remember.

Dreams fascinate me because they say so much about what happens in our unconscious. But for Pete’s sake, what does this circus dream imply? My life has been chaotic of late; divorce, health insurance woes (lack of at work), my youngest son left Tuesday for Iraq (he’ll be there a year), my boss, a pastor, is not doing something that seems to me to be a no brainer in the ethics department, the business manager quit because of it, my friend at work had a bad mammogram yesterday and is very worried, and all manner of other things it seems. The circus makes sense in a way, but the bizarre characters don’t. Any thoughts?

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The Pastor, the Older Man, the Lion, and the Dog

Ok, I had a WEIRD dream last night and need all your skills at dream interpretation.

I dreamed I was at someone’s house. There were people of all ages there, none of whom I knew. I don’t know whose house it was, but I was there watching TV, having a party, or a combination of both. There were people laughing and sat on couches with large pillows and even some sat on the floor like a slumber party. Of all the weird things to remember, I remember the Weather Channel was on TV all the time. I also remember feeling safe there, as if I belonged there and I didn’t want to leave. Not sure of why we are there, I am surprised when my old pastor walks in. This woman and I have a not-to-friendly rivalry and she was the main reason I left the church. I am shocked and surprised that she showed up but I am friendly enough and she seems delighted to see me. She makes some friendly comments and even compliments me, I think.

And in the weird way dreams can shift for no reason, I remember being next to an older man. In my dreams, I always dream of men without faces. I rarely dream of men I know personally, only those I’ve never met or whom I haven’t seen in a very, very long time. In fact, I never see above these men’s shoulders, so that the only way I know who they are is HOW I sense them in the dream. Anyway, I sense an older man next to me. He is protective and loving, and there is an implication of flirting and sexuality on both our parts. It is sudden and immediate and I do not want to wake from this dream. I feel safe and loved and comforted and excited to be in this man’s presence. I don’t know who he is or what he is doing there but we are inseperable.

Again, my dream shifts and I see a lion chasing a dog in a forest and the lion is playing with the dog as a larger animal would with a smaller one. It is no match of course, but the dog does not seem afraid and neither do I. It all seems playful at first. The dog is a beautiful German Shepherd type dog or a Siberian Huskie. It has a fluffy tail. I only mention this detail because faster than you can read this, in the dream the lion opened its mouth and devoured the dog up to its lower haunches. All I could see were the dog’s hind feet and his tail sticking out of the lion’s mouth! The lion then sat there and faced me with the dog’s feet and tail hanging out of its mouth. And then I woke up.

I swear I had no alcohol the night before! 🙂

“Candle Souls” and a Meditative Moment

RomancingtheCrone has a beautiful post about the peace we should be promoting rather than turmoil. I find it a quiet oasis from the usual static and noise out there in the world. She writes:

We are born with a Candle of Divinity within our souls. However, it is our task to keep our Candle Soul kindled and softly glowing.

Candlelight is Peaceful. Candlelight is Soothing. Candlelight is Welcoming. Candlelight is Softly Illuminating. Our Candle Soul radiates those traits and desires to live with a higher level of consciousness.

Sometimes our Candle Soul flickers. Sometimes it goes out and must rekindle. Sometimes it is repeatedly extinguished by others. Yet, through it all, it yearns to rekindle and continue to softly glow.

Several Candle Souls together bring greater, stronger warmth and illumination. Yet just one Candle Soul can brighten faces and places. We start with brightening our own, and it naturally radiates out from the point of origination.

I like the idea that each of us has a unique light. None of us can imitate another’s light. None of us should even try to imitate them. We should nurture our own light and strive to keep that lit. Shelter it from blow-hards. Feed it the oil of peace and spirit it needs to stay lit regardless of others scampering about to tamp it out. Others see destructive fire where we see cleansing. What a peaceful thing to meditate on, on what has proven to be a very hectic Monday morning already. Thanks RomancingtheCrone!

Dreams, Slasher Films, and Mr. Brooks

I am a weird sleeper. My arms fall asleep all the time. I’m a cover stealer. I toss and turn as if I’m doing St. Vitus’ dance on a regular basis. But best of all I sometimes have wakeful dreams where I just know something is going on around me or in my bedroom. This is a common PTSD symptom and I have yet to grow or heal my way out of it. It doesn’t help that I love horror and teen slasher films either. Some people say, “Oh, how can you put those images in your head?” Hey, nothing horrifies me on TV or in the movies. I’ve experienced or seen my own horrors, so this doesn’t bother me. What, do you think I’d sleep any less fitfully? Families are far, far scarier in real life than in the movies, trust me. Although The Hills Have Eyes remake gave it a good go as far as warped families are concerned! Whew! That was one warped flick.

Don’t get me wrong, some slasher films are just awful and have no film or life value whatsoever! The other night we watched a Dee Snider (i.e. Twisted Sister) movie in which he starred, wrote, and directed. Did you ever watch a movie and feel slimed? That’s how we felt after watching it. So I go to bed that night and I distinctly remember, on that edge of sleepfulness and wakefulness that I am constantly in at night, whispering to my husband that there was someone coming through the floor next to the bed. I kid you not! This is typical. He says, “Sure there is dear,” and rolls over taking his half of the covers with him. On another occasion while dreaming, I will sit straight up in bed and say, “What was that?” convinced that I heard something. Another night I carried on a full conversation with a little guy sitting on a stack of books across the room! Rod Serling should have asked me for stories!

Now, I know full well this is common for those of us who were never allowed to get a full night’s sleep in harrowing situations, but my husband is a little freaked out by it sometimes. I think now he’s used to it, but this morning he says, “What if someone really breaks in at night? It’ll be then that I won’t believe you and we’ll be killed in our beds!” We joke about it, sure, but what else can I do?

So does this mean I won’t watch scary movies anymore? HELL no!! In fact we went to see Mr. Brooks over the weekend with my Army son, his fiance, my daughter, and the hubby. A lot of critics hated it! I didn’t want to see it, not because of the critics, whom I never believe about a movie, but because I thought it didn’t look that good. Some critics have a lousy suspension of disbelief mechanism. Boy, was I wrong about the movie and was it delicious! It’s Kevin Costner’s best work since Dances With Wolves and William Hurt is ALWAYS good. Psychologically, it’s brilliant and very disturbing in the way we (or at least I) identified with the killer. Face the abyss my friends. It’s only when we fully embrace our darkness that we can fully live. (Fight Club = dark zen) And this is so true.

I found that confronting my fears head on facilitates the growth process far better than whining to myself about how I can’t be loving or gentle, or kind, etc. I know I’m none of those things, so I don’t try to be something I’m not when the moods strike. That’s just me. Films, like books, are great arenas to confront those things within us that we choose to gloss over and repress. I am not afraid of violence any longer. Been there, done that. No one can steal that inner sense of self from me anymore. I’m also not saying that I like violent movies because I’m a serial killer or that violence lives right below the surface of my seemingly peaceful facade, but sometimes facing violence in films (not necessarily the torture porn of Hostel or the constant barrage of women in peril films) brings thoughts and feelings to the forefront of our consciousness that we are forced to look at. We need to understand our emotional triggers before we can ever hope to control ourselves in a constructive or redemptive way.

Anyway, I wonder what I’ll dream about tonight after watching my TiVo’d premier of The Closer? (awesome show by the way).