Sadness, Thankfulness, and Changed Lives

I was surfing the ‘net and found this incredibly sad blog. I don’t know if she’s alright. My gut says no since she was on hospice care at that writing, but her tale about her life at home with her husband and her childhood sweetheart and her children made me think about how we waste so much of our time doing things we wish we didn’t have to do and not doing things that will make  us happy.  We make choices, we make mistakes, we hopefully learn, and move on. I hope she has found blessed peace at the end of her days. We all deserve that.

Another Thanksgiving has passed and I am most thankful for being alive– here today– exactly where I am. I’m thankful I got my kids raised without serious incident for them or for me. I really can’t say I’d do anything different than what I have done. Despite going through a divorce (it’s incredible how many women are also going through this right now), I am happy, happier than I’ve been in a long time. After years of trying to please others in my marriage and at work, I decided not to do that anymore. What I thought I wanted 30 years ago turned out as well as it could have, but it has not led to what I want now.  I must say that now, I’ve grown closer to my kids, closer to my husband (yeah it took separation and divorce for this to happen) and I’ve found that I can take care of myself. The fearless woman I used to be 30 years ago is slowly coming back.  My husband (divorce not final yet) is happier and can tell me so without fear. I was a bad wife. I was bossy and pushy and I lacked respect for the man my husband is. But he can also admit that he was a bad husband when it came to giving me what I needed in a relationship. He refused to truly know me, converse on an intimate level, and felt that being a good provider was all he had to do.  I’m glad we can both admit our failings. Sooner or later, it would have come to an end. Now, just happens to be the time.  He’s gained new confidence without me and rather than hurt me, that makes me feel  that we are both on the right track.

The blogs I have read and in which I write, the meds I now take, the counselor I now see, and the new love of my life have all taught me invaluable lessons about myself that I would have never dreamed about 10, even 5 years ago.  Change can’t help but come with some pain.  I’m not responsible for the decisions others make, only the decisions I make.  How we handle those decisions is entirely up to us.

Some blogs on change:

The Change Blog

Love Appetite Lost

Rumination on Ending a Marriage


Love and Freedom vs. Fear and Possessiveness

The Naked Soul has a most excellent post about love and possessiveness that is a very old “new” lesson, but one that needs to be learned over and over again, especially in today’s world where people feel they have a right to just about everything. I find it sad that the most possessive of people may use coercive forms which may include violence to keep from losing what they fear.  However, this fear is not love, but a desperate need to fill some void in our lives or to keep somehow what we think the other brings to us; something that perhaps we wish we had but that we don’t find in ourselves. Tobeme writes:

This attachment that we form feels like love, however it is not love in the purest sense. The other person becomes a possession, a possession which we begin to fear losing. In our fear of possible loss we become insecure about our relationship. When we become insecure our thoughts and behavior change and often as reaction to our fear of loss we begin to tighten our grip and seek more control over the other person. We become suspicious of the behavior of the other person, we worry about them straying when we are not around, we may even sabotage other relationships that they have with long time friends and even family in the name of “love” which really is in the name of attachment and our fear of loss.

Who hasn’t felt this at one time or another? I think as we grow older and hopefully wiser, we can learn to express our feelings for others in ways that give the utmost freedom to them and to ourselves.  The rest of the post is well worth reading and re-reading.