I can’t remember the last time I wrote anything good. My mind is like a sieve. I’m bored at work. I’m bored with politics and I’m bored with religion. All I want to do is take a nap most days. I’m just tired of everything. I think I could probably go work for Despair, Inc. and make a decent wage. So what’s wrong with me? My husband and I are in a good place now that the last of our grown children has moved out of the house. We are enjoying the privacy and space. I’ve visited Hungary this year with my son and that was a wonderful trip. I’ve been reading more books lately so that’s good. Yet, I can’t muster any enthusiasm for commentary about topics that used to incense me. Now I just don’t care. I figure, why should I blog if I have nothing to say? Why should I blog if a thousand other people are writing the same things? Is this what getting older is like? You lose your passion, your drive? I’ve even reconciled with my “spiritual in-laws” just for something to do! It doesn’t mean I care about religion, it just means I want to connect on some level.
I know some will suggest I’m depressed, but I honestly don’t think that’s it. I don’t despair of life, but of ideas. Does anyone suffer from that? It’s definitely not a chemical thing, I know that. Perhaps I am stripping all the non-essentials out of my life. That includes non-essential beliefs and non-essential relationships. I’ve even managed to get rid of hundreds of books in my library that at one time enthused me, but now I know I will never read. Earlier in my life this would have been unthinkable; like giving away my children. Books are valuable and precious, I thought. Yet, they too disappoint more often than not. Before, I would read anything. Now I do not waste my time if the first chapter doesn’t interest me. Sad coming from a Literature major. I’ve watched a lot more films lately since we started subscribing to Netflix. Those are temporarily satisfying as well.
In the religion department, no one is saying anything new and many (including me) are rehashing old stories and arguing about old news. In fact, most people are spouting the same old nonsense or arguing about who has the better argument because frankly no one wants to admit to being at an impasse. Pop evangelical Christian magazines, especially for women, are still writing about the same things the secular world writes about; weight, beauty, romance, and sex as if that’s all women are thinking about and that’s all women should concern themselves with. I don’t know WHY I read them, except for amusement. They opine about their own husband’s porn habit, feeling all betrayed and ashamed and never once thinking that perhaps women can produce and enjoy porn with their husbands and that sometimes sharing erotica together can save rather than destroy a marriage. Oh, but no good Christian woman would ever do that! Only slutty ones do that. They tell us how fat we are and how God loves us but hates our fat and our gluttonous ways, yet they never even THINK that God just may hate skinny women as well perhaps for being stingy and prideful about their looks? How about this: “God” could care less what size jeans I wear. My outsides do not reflect my insides. How about the unique concept that my weight is none of your business except when you’re in my face about it? How about that I’m fat (by your standards not mine) and I live my life without being depressed and as obsessed with food as the weight challenged seem to think we are. I’m tired of others policing my behavior in the name of “God.” Each “dilemma” presented in these types of magazines is presented as an either/or issue as if all problems can be solved by simple solutions. How about they are not problems for anyone at all but the God obsessed?
Another Christian bugaboo is homosexuality. These magazines also tell us that the worst thing that can happen to anyone is to have a gay family member and praying to change them is going to be a lifelong and long-term goal, so you’d best start praying now. After all, it is taught in Christian circles that your son or daughter is gay because of something you did! (Notice the agenda behind NARTH) Remember overbearing mothers and weak fathers create gay sons. So, does it logically follow that overbearing fathers and weak mothers create gay daughters? What about the other siblings? Shouldn’t they be gay too? They grew up in the same household after all. In Christians circles, if you have a gay son or daughter you are always at fault. End of story. Others say different things. Regardless of the facts, most only want to hear their own side of the story. I’m sick of both sides of the argument. I just want everyone to stop arguing about sexuality between consenting adults. Personally, I no longer care how people become anything. People are who they are. Trying to find “causes” is pretty useless unless it’s geared toward discovering why we have serial killers, pedophiles, and sociopaths. Perhaps that’s where science can better be put to good use. How people have sex between consenting adults is of no concern to me.
More than anything lately, I continually wonder why millions of people feel the need to tell millions of other people what to do and how to live their lives. I mean, besides the money motive for being controversial and selling your story, what’s in it for them? In politics the nanny state is in full swing. Each party thinks it knows what’s best for everyone. Some democrats have a new messiah complete with hagiographic photos and some republicans are too busy condemning abortion and gay marriage to care about the economy. Why is it that the SAME ISSUES come up again and again? BORING! No wonder I’m apathetic! Religionists claim God has absolute requirements and standards for living, but for millenia, no one has come to a consensus about what these absolutes are. They can’t even come to a consensus about what “God” is! God is immanent or God is transcendent or God is a Father or God is a Mother. Jesus is God. Krishna is God. You are God. You can’t define God apparently and win. And you certainly can’t define God or dare to even approach defining religion if you are a woman! What a no-no. I mean, the audacity!
I’m tired of comparing apples to oranges, of reading about applying band-aid solutions to complex issues, of listening to blowhards tell us what’s good for us about life, sex, food, houses, relationships, you name it. It’s the “Dr. Phil-ization” of American culture and it’s about time we stopped listening to others about what they think of how we live our lives. So, momentarily anyway, I’ve worked myself out of my apathy. 🙂