I Suck at Tests and Summer TV

I haven’t blogged much. I’ve decided that I really am paid what I’m worth and stopped the job hunt. Why? Because I scored a lousy 76(!!!) on a Civil Service test and am now re-thinking the “I’m-such-a-career-catch” idea. Jeez! Can you say LOSER? Can you see it imprinted on the forehead? I have never been good at tests. Long essays, research, and writing are my forte. Tests? Not so much. I barely passed the GRE to get into the Master’s program although I sailed through my college years with a 4.0 grade point average. Tests and I do not go together. I cannot do those stupid logic problems that says Johnny and Rachel and Eddie are in an apartment building. Johnny and Eddie live next door to Abigail, but Abigail is not on the same floor as Joanna. You know the ones!! Are you Freakin’ kidding me? Who gives a *%&$## about their apartment building. I HATE THEM! Vocabulary I get. Reading Comprehension I get. Math? What’s math? You get the idea.

Even though I had already decided to stay put in my current job, I still tested because I didn’t want to be a “no-show” and yes, secretly, I wanted to prove I could put myself out there again and BE WANTED! Wrong again. It’s humiliating to think that 34 people performed better on the test than I did! Now I’m bummed and spent the week watching this:

and this:

Yes, I know this one’s a ripoff of Ninja Warrior, but I couldn’t resist. I got a huge laugh out of it anyway. Watching people bounce on giant rubber balls and into the mud just never gets old!

I also spend my summer nights watching this:

I’m a TV geek what can I say?

So, I suppose there are worse things to do when you find out you’re past your prime in the work force, right?

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Melancholy Baby

I’ve been particularly touchy and pensive lately. Nothing interests me but reading books, watching television, or playing Bookworm. Well, other things have interested me, but that only takes 10 minutes max and even my husband is getting tired of it! šŸ™‚ I’ve finished the latest Stephen King novel. Ho-Hum. The only thing of interest is that I started the first Dresden Files novel by Jim Butcher called Storm Front. Now that’s gotten interesting! I foresee long nights ahead reading his novels. (clapping) Still, I’m feeling pretty underestimated at work and pretty disgusted at our political system and media. So what else is new? Rather than rant on and on about the latest bullshit coming out of election candidates or the latest “I hate America” crap we see constantly, I’ve turned them all off for the time being. And people wonder why we watch TV shows too much. DUH!

As I’ve said before, I work at a large (not huge) church. It’s no mega-church or anything but some prominent (i.e. rich) people go there. So as Administrative Assistant to a few pastors, I get paid a decent wage for what I do. Hell, if you worked for the state (the largest employer here) I wouldn’t be making as much and the atmosphere would be even worse. So why bitch about it? Because I feel dry on the vine, underestimated, and my self esteem is withering away. In academia, it’s pretty much standard that you will be called brilliant every time you submit a question, let alone a paper of some length. It’s pretty heady to work in a field where you can toss around ideas and hob-nob with professors. I miss writing, researching, and presenting papers at conferences. Yet, I couldn’t stand the politics and the lack of balance found there. Despite what people think, academia is pretty narrow in their political beliefs.

Where I work now, I have just as a high if not higher educational degree as anyone here but the head pastor (he has a doctorate) and it pretty much means nothing to anyone. Is it supposed to? Maybe. At least that’s what bill of goods we are sold when we sign on to get one. But I went mainly for the research and reading part of it, not the end product. At any rate, it’s from the pastor that I’m constantly running across problems. He’s a 70s Princeton Theological Seminary graduate whose wife typed all of his papers while in school and whose assistant (me) now does. He’s not good with computers and doesn’t know how to find things on the Internet. Simple stuff for me seems unreachable to him. Yet, he is a perfectionist who has to have EVERYTHING a certain way and after it’s been modified twenty times, there is still always something wrong with it which he has to tell me about even after it’s too late to fix it. Every year, my review is the same. I meet or exceed all expectations and he has no problem with any of my “work.” What’s also true every year is that he never says I’ve done a good job unless I find some tidbit on the Internet that he thinks is “unfindable.” My co-workers have the same attitude. For them, I’m nothing special. They might hate it that they’d have to do my job if I left, but I am not under the delusion that I can’t be replaced. ANYONE can be replaced pretty easily.

I’ve looked for other jobs, but there isn’t much out there right now. I’ve long been out of the academic world and trying to get back in isn’t quite so easy. Soon the contacts dry up and the networking needs reworked, but after a certain time, you’re forgotten. I suppose I’m wondering if perhaps I’ve missed my shot. Sure, I can stay here until I retire. It’s an easy job with an easy-going work environment. All I have to do is mindlessly go through the church cycle year after year for the next 18 years. Sure, I don’t hate my job. Sure, I have some lively conversations at work. But, lately, I’ve just been feeling blah. I don’t write anything interesting anymore and can’t drum up the energy to blog. I have nothing to say that isn’t a rant against something and, I suppose, like all women approaching 50, feel pretty much useless and past my expiration date. So, do I keep looking for another job or stay and count my blessings? Any cure for the doldrums out there?

Working and Blogging Don’t Mix

I’ve had the month from hell at work. Yes, I said hell in church because sometimes there is no difference between the church I work for and any other business. There are still deadlines, etc. January is one of those months. I hate it. I’ve also found that since I started blogging, my work has suffered. This past year has seen me admit to an enormous amount of mistakes at work. Why? I honestly think that my mind is on 22201397.jpgblogging and not on my job. No one polices our internet usage here. We are trusted to do the appropriate things at our desks and on the internet. So unless I police myself, no one will; not to mention that the use of my time is not well spent on the internet when there is work to do. Also, it’s not very good stewardship to get paid for having fun on the internet.

Therefore, during this Lenten season, I’m going to blog less and concentrate on my job more, which means comments will be moderated nightly, but not hourly. It means that I won’t be paying close attention to dialogue here or over at DeConversion blog where I also write. But, I think the internet will survive nicely without me checking in 10 or 11 times an hour.Ā  It’s been a battle this year to get focus, to do a good job, and to get my head in the game. To give myself some slack, it was a fierce year healthwise. I’ve had an artery unblocked and I’ve had a hysterectomy, as well as recurring back trouble due to stress, so I’m not being TOO hard on myself. My stress level is directly at odds with my hormone level, so it’s a bit confusing right now. However, Lent is a time to remember that we are from dust and to dust we will return. I think I can practice SOME discipline here, and it just might help my workday.Ā  Blessings!